She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
