i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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