What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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