Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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