I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
