dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
