but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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