Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
