the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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