Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
