oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
