alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
