If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How's work?
Spinning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
