Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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