Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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