He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
