I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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