I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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