Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
