And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
