god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
