You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
