Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
