at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
