Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
