Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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