You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
