I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
