No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
