my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Let's paint friendship bongs
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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