im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
