How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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