I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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