i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
