Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
