3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
