I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
