You're completely useless in the revolution.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
