Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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