so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
