i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Michael Bay diarrhea
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
