That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
