I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
