the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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