Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
