He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
