Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
