Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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