between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
foreskin is a definite game changer
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
