i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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